Thursday, July 21, 2022

Right-Hand Man (Tacticus Song Parody)

A parody of Right Hand Man from Hamilton based on characters from the mobile game Warhammer 40,000 Tacticus. For the purposes of this song, Commissar Sebastian Yarrick is present for the Fall of Cadia. Also, if you know the actual lore of the Fall of Cadia or like Sgt. Kell a lot, you might hate this.

Last but not least, this entire thing started based on a few quick thoughts. One, Washington complaining about his troops deserting; two, Yarrick is a commissar whose job is to boost morale; and three, Yarrick lost his right arm in battle against an ork. So now it is Right-Hand Man (pun!).


[COMPANY]
13th Black Crusade’s got ships through the Warp
Untold countless forces in our orbit

[COMPANY]
Untold countless forces in our orbit (Untold countless forces in our orbit)
When they surround our troops
They surround our troops (They surround our troops)
When they surround our troops (They surround our troops)

[YARRICK]
As a kid back on Taos III I wished for a war
I knew that I was poor, I knew
It was the only way to—

[YARRICK/KELL/KUT/THADDEUS/SIBYLL]
Rise up!

[YARRICK]
If they tell my story
I am either gonna die
On the battlefield in glory or

[YARRICK/KELL/KUT/THADDEUS/SIBYLL]
Rise up!

[YARRICK]
I will fight for this land
But there is only one man
Who can give us a command, so we can

[YARRICK/KELL/KUT/THADDEUS/SIBYLL]
Rise up!

[YARRICK]
Understand? It's the only way to—

[YARRICK/KELL/KUT/THADDEUS/SIBYLL]
Rise up! Rise up!

[YARRICK]
Here he comes

[ENSEMBLE]
Here comes the General!

[KELL]
Ladies and gentlemen!

[ENSEMBLE]
Here comes the General!

[KELL]
The moment you've been waiting for!

[ENSEMBLE]
Here comes the General!

[KELL]
The pride of all Guardsmen!

[ENSEMBLE]
Here comes the General!

[KELL]
Lord Castellan!

[CREED]
We are outgunned (What?)
Outmanned (What?)
Outnumbered, outplanned (Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck!)
We gotta make an all-out stand
Ayo, I'm gonna need a right-hand man (Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck!)

[CREED]
Check it—
Can I be real a second?
For just a millisecond?
Let down my guard and tell the people how I feel a second?
Now I'm the model of a modern captain-general
The venerated cavalry veteran whose men are all
Linin' up, to put me up on a pedestal
Writin' letters to relatives
Embellishing my elegance and eloquence
But—the elephant is in the room
The truth is in your face when you hear the Chaos cannons go...

[ENSEMBLE]
Boom!

[CREED]
Any hope of success is fleeting
How can I keep leading when the people
I'm leading keep retreating?
We put a stop to the bleeding as Chaos takes Kasr Holn
Knight takes rook, but look

[CREED]
We are outgunned (What?)
Outmanned (What?)
Outnumbered, outplanned (Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck!)
We gotta make an all-out stand
Ayo, I'm gonna need a right-hand man (Buck, buck, buck, buck, buck!)
Incoming!

[YARRICK]
They're battering down the Battery, check the damages

[KUT]
Rah!

[YARRICK]
We gotta stop 'em and rob 'em of their advantages

[KUT]
Rah!

[YARRICK]
Let's take a stand with the stamina He has granted us
Sebastian won't abandon ship
Yo, take out those cannons—

[KUT]
Shh-boom

[CREED]
Goes the cannon, watch the blood and the shit spray, and—

[COMPANY]
Boom!

[CREED]
Goes the cannon, we're abandonin' posts, hey? And—

[COMPANY]
Boom!

[CREED]
There's another ship and—

[COMPANY]
Boom!

[CREED]
We just lost the southern tip and—

[COMPANY]
Boom!

[CREED]
We gotta leave the Kasr quick, we can't afford another slip
Guns and troops chimera up
I decide to divvy up
My forces, they're skittish as the Chaos cut the Kasr up
This close to giving up, facing mad scrutiny
I scream in the face of this mass mutiny!
Are these the men with which I am to defend our Cadia?
We ride at midnight, Elysion in the distance
I cannot be everywhere at once, people
I am in dire need of assistance...

[KELL]
Your excellency, sir

[CREED]
Who is it?

[KELL]
Sgt. Kell, sir?
Permission to state my case

[CREED]
As you were

[KELL]
Sir, I was a sergeant under General Montgomery
Until he caught a bullet in the neck, now he’s dead,
And, well, in summary
I think that I could be of some assistance
I admire how you keep firing on the Traitors
From a distance

[CREED]
Huh

[KELL]
I have some questions, a couple of suggestions
On how to fight instead of fleeing west

[CREED]
Yes?

[KELL]
Well—

[YARRICK]
Your excellency, you wanted to see me?

[CREED]
Sebastian, come in, have you met Kell?

[YARRICK]
Yes, sir

[YARRICK & KELL]
We keep meeting

[KELL]
As I was saying, sir, I look forward to
Seeing your strategy play out

[CREED]
Kell?

[KELL]
Sir?

[CREED]
Close the door on your way out.

[YARRICK]
Have I done something wrong, sir?

[CREED]
On the contrary
I called you here because our odds are beyond scary
Your reputation precedes you, but I have to laugh

[YARRICK]
Sir?

[CREED]
Sebastian, how come no one can get you on their staff?

[YARRICK]
Sir!

[CREED]
Don't get me wrong, you're an old man of great renown
I know you stole an ork’s klaw back on Armageddon
The other regiment commanders wanted to hire you…

[YARRICK]
To be their command staff, I don't think so

[CREED]
Now why are you upset?

[YARRICK]
I'm not?

[CREED]
It's alright you want to fight
You've got a hunger
I was just like you when I was younger
Head full of fantasies of dyin' like a martyr?

[YARRICK]
Yes

[CREED]
Dying is easy, old man, living is harder

[YARRICK]
Why are you telling me this?

[CREED]
I'm being honest
I'm working with a third of what our Empire has promised
We are a powder keg about to explode
I need someone like you to lighten the load. So?

[COMPANY (EXCLUDING YARRICK)]
I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Ayo, I'm just like my comp’ny
I'm old scrappy and hungry

[YARRICK]
I am not throwing away my shot!

[CREED]
Son

[CREED & COMPANY]
We are outgunned, outmanned!

[YARRICK]
You need all the help you can get
I have some friends. Sibyll, Skoden,
Master of Ordnance, okay, what else?

[CREED & COMPANY]
Outnumbered, outplanned!

[YARRICK]
We need some disciplined front lines
Execute men who might start to backslide

[ENSEMBLE]
Boom!

[YARRICK]
I’ll write to Terra and tell 'em we need supplies
You rally the guys
Master the element of surprise

[ENSEMBLE]
Boom!

[YARRICK]
I'll ride up to my station
Whip the men into formation
Ready for the operation, Chaos Termination. Sir!

[ENSEMBLE]
Here comes the General!

[YARRICK]
Rise up!

[ENSEMBLE]
Here comes the General!

[YARRICK]
Rise up!

[ENSEMBLE]
Here comes the General!

[YARRICK]
Rise up!

[ENSEMBLE]
Here comes the General!

[CREED]
And his right-hand man!

[FULL COMPANY]
Boom!

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